Fair and 55° F

Friday night, 10:30 p.m. The telephone rang. “Which of my children’s friends is calling this late?” I thought to myself as my daughter answered the phone.

“Hello?” she said. A perplexed look came over her face, and she handed me the phone. “Hello?” I said, curious as to who was calling so late.

“You’re on the air,” I heard a voice say.

“What?” I asked. “This is Howard Stern at WNBC Radio. You’re on the air.”

“Who?” I asked, thinking this must be a hoax.

“This is Howard Stern. You’re on the air. Do you think O.J. Simpson is innocent or guilty?”

Never lost for words, I replied, What?”

“Do you think O.J. Simpson is innocent or guilty?” “I’m hanging up now,” I said as politely as I could manage.

A moment later, the phone rang again.

“Hello?” I said politely. “You’re on the air.” “Who is this?” I asked, feeling quite annoyed.

“This is Howard Stern at WNBC Radio. Do you think O.J. is innocent or guilty?”

What was this, an old rerun? Surely the real Howard Stern would ask about something more current than O.J.Simpson.

“Who is this?” I asked, unable to recognize the voice.

“Are you cute?” the voice on the other end asked. “WHAT!” Not only was this a prank call, but a perverted one at that. “Are you cute?”

“Good-bye.” I hung up again, certain that the real Howard Stern could not possibly care what I look like.

A moment later the phone rang again. “Hello,” I said, not in the friendliest of tones. “You’re on the air.”

“Sure.” “This is Howard Stern at WNBC Radio. Do you think O.J. is innocent?” Never one to share my political views, I replied, “I don’t know. I wasn’t there.” “Are you cute?”

I really didn’t have time for obscene phone calls, so I hung up a third time.

As I waited for the phone to ring yet again, I began thinking how, not being a Howard Stern fan, I had no idea what the man’s voice sounded like. The voice did have a “radio” quality, without even the slightest hint of southern accent. As I stared at the unringing phone, I began to think about my impression, limited though it was, of Howard Stern. “Outrageous” was the word that came to mind.

“You don’t suppose that really was Howard Stern, do you?” I asked my daughter, who had no idea who Howard Stern was. Being electronically savvy, however, she pushed Star 69 to see who made the call.

“Now we’ll find out,” I thought to myself. “Now we’ll know if this is a hoax. Now we’ll find out if not one of my son’s friends was just putting on a radio voice.” I felt almost smug that we live in an age of traceable phone calls, where pranksters can’t hide behind the anonymity of a telephone. Now we’d know the truth.

The truth was that Star 69 was blocked. I actually felt sad. If that really was Howard Stern calling during his radio show, then I had blown a once-in-a-lifetime chance. This had been my chance to tell the world, at least the WNBC listening audience, my views. This had been my chance to share my wit and wisdom with an audience I could never otherwise reach. I could have shared with thousands of radio listeners exactly what I thought about ... what? O.J. Simpson?

I assure you, this won’t happen again. Howard just caught me off guard, that’s all. I’ll be ready next time. I’ll be ready when he calls back. I’ll be ready in case Rush Limbaugh or some other radio personality decides that Howard Stern shouldn’t get all the good callees.ˇ I’m already practicing what I’m going to say. I’ll be ready, no matter what they ask.

Except for one thing. If they want to know what I look like, they’ll have to put me on television.

Does Oprah make phone calls?

T&D Correspondent John Ott can be reached by phone at 803-829-3638. Discuss this and other stories online at TheTandD.com.

You must be logged in to comment.