Gene Crider
In Other Words

I’m sitting here at the keyboard, trying not to be nauseous. I got some package in the mail from some dude today – some reverend, I think from the Midwest – who says he has seen God. He included proof in the form of letters and photographs of clouds.

As I opened the package, a rank smell wafted up from the envelope. I threw it away, but the smell continued to rise up from the trash can. I threw the envelope into the dumpster, but I’m still feeling kind of queasy.

Looking up Websites now. Hmmm ... The Centers for Disease Control says: “Bacillus anthracis” – that is, anthrax – “spores do not have a characteristic appearance (e.g., color), smell, or taste.”

Hmmm ... So a smelly letter does not necessarily have anthrax in it.

But the U.S. Postal Service includes odd mail among suspicious mail types, especially if it has loads of tape. Hmmm ...

If you breathe anthrax, you could develop cold or flu-like symptoms including sore throat, mild fever and muscle aches, according to CDC. You could then begin to cough, have chest discomfort, shortness of breath, tiredness and muscle aches.

Hey, I feel a little tired. And short of breath. And warm.

It’s will-writin’ time!

OK – who wants the ’99 Saturn with 120,000 miles and coffee-stained upholstery? And the couch, with coffee-stained upholstery? And the lamp with no shade (not coffee stained)?

It really feels like my lucky day. Usually, I all I have to worry about is rabies, tuberculous and brown recluse spiders.

Tuberculous is a good one, because every time I shake hands with a sickly looking skinny person, I get to worry for about two weeks whether I have tuberculosis. It causes weakness, weight loss, fever and night sweats. Soon you’re coughing up blood.

I have tuberculosis a lot less since I gave up smoking.

I especially I like the old-fashioned word for it: consumption. It sums up nicely the effects – if you say “I feel consumptive today,” most people won’t peg you for a hypochondriac, just a fella who knows a lot of big words.

Rabies is good to worry about. It’s extremely rare in humans, but it can take a year to die from it. By the time you realize you have it, it’s too late. And it takes so long to manifest itself, you can worry for a good year before you think, “Hey, maybe I don’t have rabies after all.”

That’s a lot of time for will writin’. We don’t want the family going to court over that photograph of trumpeter Al Hirt with former President Nixon.

Rabies symptoms include fever, headache and general malaise – I felt that way last night. As the disease progresses, other symptoms include insomnia, anxiety, confusion ... sounding familiar? ,,, plus partial paralysis, excitation, hallucinations, agitation, hypersalivation, difficulty swallowing and fear of water.

Sounds like my smelly cousin, Drooley.

And brown recluse spiders – symptoms from bites include nausea, vomiting, fever and rashes, along with muscle and joint pain. They like to hide places, like in the Midwest, but that doesn’t mean they’re not headed for the sheets on your bed.

I’m not sure people with hobbies or cable television have time for these concerns, but then they probably haven’t decided who will get their collection of coffee-stained yo-yos yet.

City Editor Gene Crider can be reached at gcrider@timesanddemocrat.com and 803-533-5570. To comment on this and other stories, visit TheTandD.com.

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