LAS VEGAS -- When I picked up my 4-year-old daughter from preschool the other day, her teacher told me Addie had to be put in time out for goofing around during song practice.

It was the day of the Christmas program, and the teachers wanted one last practice before the big performance.

Rewind to the conversation I had with Addie the night before.

"I am not singing any more of those songs," she told me.

Me: "But you want to be in the program, don't you?'

Her: "No! I hate programs!"

So I can't say I was surprised when her teacher told me she wasn't participating. She was playing with her hair, turning around and looking bored. She lost her recess for her noncompliance.

It was the first time she has been in trouble at school, and the first time her attitude, or her "Addie-tude," as we call it, passed into the school day from our home, where we've seen some major sass. She demands things, barks orders and can be quite nasty.

Where has my sweet toddler gone?

Now it's: "I told you FOUR times to get me my juice."

If I say something such as: "Addie, I'm so tired of this," she responds with, "Well, I'm tired of you."

I tried to have a long conversation with her about how it's not appropriate for her to speak to me like that and explained to her why she can't goof off during song practice even if she doesn't like the songs.

But it didn't seem to be getting through.

Later that day, she brought on the attitude again.

She was mad because I wanted her to get out of the car from the same door her sister was using. She refused, then yelled: "If you don't open this door, I will punch your window out."

I left her in the car in the garage. Eventually she caved and came inside.

But what gives? I thought I wouldn't be dealing with this until she was more like 12!

Gary Direnfeld, a social worker in Canada and expert in child development, said it's actually quite normal for preschoolers to cop an attitude.

"What she's really doing is saying, 'I'm separate and apart from you and I'm trying to learn how to assert my own will,'" he said.

Got it.

So what should I do? My talks with her have amounted to only more attitude. Turns out, that may be part of the problem. Direnfeld said parents can actually over-explain things or try to be too understanding.

Think about getting a traffic ticket, he said. The police officer doesn't go on and on about what you did. He just writes the ticket.

Direnfeld said I need to approach the behavior at the school as a nonnegotiable expectation. This is how we act. End of story.

"Good, well-intentioned parents can fall into the trap of providing their children more input than is really appropriate for the circumstance," he said. "And, as a result, some kids are over-empowered. That, in turn, develops an attitude of self-righteousness that they may have a say in areas where it's just not appropriate for them to have a say."

So all that talk with Addie about her behavior at school wasn't effective. Direnfeld said she probably didn't get it anyway. And, he said, explaining doesn't modify behavior.

And another good point about the preschool attitude: Direnfeld suggested my daughter might just be mirroring me.

Ouch.

OK. I've said things like: "I'm tired of you doing that" or "I told you three times to pick up this mess." Phrases like that are always spewed when I'm exhausted and just ready for the day to end.

I'm going to take the advice and try to watch the tone of how I speak to her and explain a little less.

And, maybe, just maybe, we will put that attitude on hold for a few more years and watch my sweet daughter return.

You must be logged in to comment.