Fair and 69° F

Furious, frantic and panic-stricken could be nicely defined in modern terms as “loss of cell phone.” I would venture to say that never in the course of human events has any invention been more depended upon, worshiped and caused more anxiety and exasperation than that small marvel of technology — the cell phone.

In my exhaustive (unofficial) research, I’ve ascertained that there are folks that spend at least 80 percent of their waking hours with their cell phones pressed lovingly and devotedly to their ears. Of course, there’s the little remote thingies that fit behind your ear which enable you to listen and talk while your hands are free to perform other tasks like driving, eating, jogging, bathing … well, maybe not bathing … but you get the idea, and have probably seen ‘em or, perhaps, are even the proud owner of one. My wife had one, and loved it ... but she lost it, somehow.

Though I had eventually been forced into cell phone ownership by the fervent urging of family and friends, I hadn’t been at all interested in utilizing the ear pieces. Besides, I have a repugnance for having to accommodate too many lifestyle changes and a deep distrust of new, high-tech stuff that only increases with age.

I’m intimidated and bum fuddled by too many innovative features and options in modern-day appliances — we’ve got a new dishwasher that still has me scratching my head in bewilderment! I’ve always appreciated simplicity. I’m a complete failure at multi-tasking.

Moreover, my mind has little structure, wandering hither and thither like a footloose nomad with wanderlust! For me, at times, even “single-tasking” goes awry! I find it challenging to talk on the phone while driving on a crowded highway, even with both hands free! In my hands … well, ears … these marvelous little thingamajigs could be dangerous!

A while back I was looking at greeting cards in a large store. I was totally engrossed in the task at hand, searching for just the right and very special anniversary card for my lovely wife. All of a sudden a deep, threatening voice growled from directly behind and over my head: “Just who in the ##**!!###*#!! do you think you are?” I immediately knew that it wasn’t God, ’cause He wouldn’t use that kind of language! I’m sure my head jerked down between my shoulders like a frightened turtle and if I had any hair on my back, it would have stood on end!

My “flight or fight” mechanism kicked in as I glanced over my shoulder to see a very large, tall, scowling man and I can assure you, only flight was on my mind! But, to my great relief, the angry giant just kept walking down the aisle, still snarling threats and curses.

“My Lord!” I thought. “This fellow must be nuts, spewing forth curses to the thin air!” Then I noticed the little plastic device behind his ear and understood. I remembered how disconcerting it was to see my wife walking around talking to no one! Some unfortunate person somewhere, was, indeed, the object of the mad giant’s anger. I found myself hoping that they escaped and hid safely away somewhere. I was pretty darn jittery for a couple of hours. Not sure how high my heart rate and blood pressure went. Doggone if some of these high-tech, newfangled gadgets ain’t dangerous to my health even when I don’t own one!

Anyway, I’ve read that all those cell phone microwaves can cause cancer, or brain damage, or something, so now I only talk on them about 70 percent of my waking hours.

T&D Columnist Rush Button can be reached by e-mail at buttonrl@aol.com or by phone at 803-534-3724.

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