Fighting the battle of the bulge isn’t just a topic in American military history for those of us who are carrying more pounds than we need.

This issue has followed me ever since early adulthood. Trying to successfully bring a diet – any diet – to term has always been my personal bogeyman. Because of this struggle, I’ve never been at a lack for “colorful” nicknames over the years, such as “Incredible Bulk,” “Free Willie,” “The Round Mound of Downtown” and the garden variety, albeit greatly lacking in creativity, “Lard @#!&%.”

Out of all the various ways one can practice self-denial, dieting is by far the most unfair and insidious. Unlike smoking, drinking, gambling, or other habits, you can’t just quit eating cold turkey. Today’s standard diets usually fall into one of three categories: starvation, low-calorie foods that make paint chips taste like filet mignon by comparison, or nationally available diet systems whose pre-packaged foods are guaranteed to drain your wallet faster than a single trip to the gas pump.

The worst part about diets is enduring the verbal jabs of the slender self-righteous who feel that effective weight loss is simply a matter of will power. I just turn the tables by using the same foolhardy arguments against these cretins.

“Hey, Jim, I’m so sorry you were caught by your wife in the 27th consecutive affair of your two-year marriage. But it’s really simple to lick that – just say no!”

“Gee, Dave, it’s too bad that you were busted after hooking up your personal IV to the imported beer aisle at the Hangover Haus party store, but cheer up! Solving that problem is a snap – get on the wagon!”

“Lisa, this habit of shoplifting bra inserts and strap extenders at Chez Foo-Foo is really starting to adversely affect your life, but if you’ll just walk away from the undergarment section, you can cure yourself lickety-split!”

The biggest reason diets fail is that people become discouraged when the results don’t manifest themselves fast enough. That simply won’t cut it in a modern American society based on instant gratification.

My theory is to start segregating society at every venue by weight. This can be effective everywhere from the workplace to social settings of every different hue. It’s kinda like segregating boys from girls in grade and middle school; putting dieters among like-minded people helps shut out all the negative energy from the slender folks that dissuades us from our ultimate goal.

For example:

Forget hiring mid-level office managers who are motivated only by the bottom line. Instead, install people who can also help our bottom lines. I foresee a new growth industry: a whole corps of military-style motivators personally groomed by former Marine drill instructor Harvey Walden IV.

There’s nothing like a boot camp martinet pushing you to do numerous 100-yard copying machine dashes and computer printing paper crunches while you earn incentives, such as smacking the office busybody with every 10 pounds lost. This builds camaraderie and team support.

Rather than simply attending sporting events, build the entire halftime show around a Fat/Fit Challenge featuring the bulging spectators. Not only can you participate in such riveting contests as “Wrestling Jenny Craig” or “Fat Scrimmage” using a real live gym teacher in place of the pigskin, you earn valuable prizes like all-expense-paid trips to such target destinations as “Larry’s Liposuction Ranch” and “Bouncing Betty’s Bariatric Bungalow.”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to celebrate my recent weight loss success with a new clothes purchase. I wonder if Brooks Brothers has a livestock section?

T&D Correspondent Phil Sarata can be reached by e-mail at pmhsarata@timesanddemocrat.com.

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