Vote for John McCain or else Barack Obama and all his Islamist friends will take over the White House, using it as a secret base to launch attacks against America and leaving pizza boxes on the couches. The couches, I say! Those are your couches, the taxpayers’ couches!!!

They will spit on our soldiers, sell our women into bondage and burn the churches of our God.

And socialize medicine.

Vote for John McCain, and George W. Bush will still be wandering around the White House, bumping into walls as he pads around in a bathrobe and slippers, accidently starting World War III when he bumps into the wrong table on his way to get milk and cookies.

Dick Cheney will be in the basement with a stack of Big Chief Tablets and crayons, trying to find ways to make us more dependent on foreign oil. Sarah Palin’s relatives will be making methamphetamine next to him.

And they will socialize medicine.

I used to get overexcited by elections, too. If my man didn’t win, all heck would break loose. I thought the world would end.

And he lost. And the world’s still here. And it happened over and over again -- the presidential candidate I support has never won either a primary or an election.

We demonize the candidates. It’s wrong, but we do it anyway, overstating their faults. We lose all charity when it comes to talking about presidential candidates.

I do not believe Palin keeps an army of polar bear slaves at her command, or that she can talk with the wolves that sit next to her throne in the Alaskan gubernatorial ice palace.

Nor do I believe that Bob Dole and John McCain get together and do “The Robot” in the Capitol Rotunda once the public has gone and the Congressional Disco Ball has come down.

Although that would be so cool ...

And I don’t believe Barack Obama is really Dean Martin in disguise, and that he roams around the house in an ascot with a martini glass. He may, in fact, be a part of the Illuminati’s ongoing effort to corner the world’s market on pimento-stuffed olives ... my sources are still working on it.

I don’t believe the Democratic Party forced Joe Biden on Obama so that he can be hidden away in the Vice President’s Office, never to mistakenly say something offensive again -- oh, wait, yes I do. If Obama wins, Biden will be packed off like the man in the iron mask, spending his days in a stone dungeon talking with Fritz Hollings.

But none of them are evil. It’ll be OK.

T&D City Editor Gene Crider can be reached by e-mail at gcrider@timesanddemocrat.com or by phone at 803-533-5570.

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