It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. Folks are dressing up their homes with the bright lights and decorations signaling the December holiday, and shoppers are rushing through the malls, searching for the perfect gifts for their loved ones. Anticipation is mounting with thoughts of parties, families gatherings, great food and Christmas morning.

Yet, not everyone is looking forward to the holidays with joyful expectancy. Instead, many who have suffered traumatic loss this year are facing them with dread and anxiety.

Whether the loss comes through death, divorce or other circumstances, local grief counselors say its best to face the pain, find ways to deal with it and move forward with life.

"The first step is to realize there will be times when you'll be sad during the holidays," said the Rev. Paul Hamilton, director of pastoral care at the Regional Medical Center. "When we face our pain and acknowledge it, we're better able to move away from it. If you try to ignore your loss, it stays with you all day. Take time to experience your pain, find ways to deal with it and then move away from it."

As a member of the National Organization of Victim Assistance Community Crisis Response Team, Hamilton is experienced in grief counseling, having responded to a number of national crises including the 1999 shootings at Columbine High School in Colorado that left 13 dead and many more wounded and working with victims in New York City in the aftermath of the 2001 World Trade Center attack.

"Grief is a natural part of life," said David Mikell, a counselor at Orangeburg Area Mental Health Center. "It is a healthy, human response to loss."

Like Hamilton, Mikell said people have to face their pain and go through it. If you're suffering from a traumatic loss this year, he said take time to feel the pain, and find ways to deal with it.

"Sometimes, people think that tears are a sign of weakness, but that's not true. Don't feel like this is showing weakness. Cry if you feel like you need to," Mikell said. "If you need to talk, find someone to talk with. Counselors are available at Mental Health.

"This is a time to be kind to yourself. You need to take care of yourself physically -- to eat well, to exercise."

You also need to take care of yourself emotionally, Mikell said, by taking time to do something for yourself. He said do whatever comforts you -- whether it's spending time with your family, going to a movie or reading a good book.

According to Hamilton, dealing with grief is all about choices. You're the only one who can choose to find ways to deal with your pain and then move on, he said.

Betty Lokey of Orangeburg faced traumatic loss when her husband of 42 years died unexpectedly on Father's Day several years ago.

"He had prostate cancer," she said. "He had gone through radiation and was doing great. He had his last treatment on Thursday and died on Sunday."

They had attended church that morning and then celebrated Father's Day by grilling steaks out with their children, Lokey said. They visited with their children until about 5:30 p.m., when her husband said he was hot. He got up and left the room.

"He told our grandchildren, 'Remember, we're going to watch the Clemson-Carolina ball game at 7:30.' They were going to leave around 7 and wanted to tell him good-bye," Lokey said. "We thought he'd gone outside, so we went to look for him. We found him on the bed, and he died a short time later.

"Your heart is broken when you lose your partner. But God doesn't make mistakes. When you lose something, He fills your heart and life with something else to take its place."

Lokey said she's dealt with her loss by choosing not to be bitter.

"You have to understand there are things you can change, and things you can't change," she said. "I always look on the brighter side. I think there's something better every day."

Her involvement with church and other volunteer work has helped her get through her loss, Lokey said.

"I teach a Sunday school (class)," she said. "I sing in the choir and belong to our mission group. We do different outreach each month. I also take classes in art lessons. ... It makes me feel good to find I could do something that I hadn't known I could do."

Lokey's advice to those who are suffering through a new loss this holiday season is to concentrate on doing for others.

"Get your mind off yourself, and realize God has a purpose for us being here," she said.

Mikell said thinking of others by volunteering for community service or helping someone in need truly does help when dealing with loss.

Hamilton suggested celebrating the holidays in a completely different way than usual. Do something new, like take a cruise, he said.

Also, if you've lost someone through death, Hamilton said you should do something in memory of that person, such as light a candle, attend a memorial service, set an extra plate at the table or hang a stocking for the loved one. Do whatever comforts you, he said.

And Hamilton said people grieving at the holidays should communicate with their family and friends their needs, whether its needing someone to talk to or needing time alone. He said books are available for grief-stricken individuals to help them deal with their loss.

"While it's all right to feel sad, if that feeling lasts too long, you may need to find someone to talk with," Hamilton said.

Both the Regional Medical Center and the Orangeburg Area Mental Health Center offer 24-hour phone assistance, and the hospital offers a bereavement program.

For more information, grief assistance or referrals, call the RMC Pastoral Care Department at 803-395-2356 or the OAMHC at 803-536-1571.

T&D Correspondent Dale Linder-Altman can be reached by e-mail at jerryanddale@lowcountry.com. Discuss this and other stories online at TheTandD.com.

Grief workshop planned at RMC

The Rev. Paul Hamilton, director of pastoral care at the Regional Medical Center, will lead a workshop titled “Dealing with Loss During the Holidays” from 6:30 to 8 p.m. Thursday, Nov. 20, in the Education Center at Regional Medical Center.

A candle-lighting memorial service in memory of loved ones will be part of the session.

For more information, call the RMC Pastoral Care Department at 803-395-2356.

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