Does anyone remember the old hair color commercial that said, “You’re not getting older, you’re getting better?” Pictured was a gorgeous model in her 20s. The commercial suggested that a woman over 50 will look better than the newer model if she uses their product. Try telling that to a woman of a certain age and she’ll hit you with her purse. Getting older is no fun at all. In fact, as the kids say, “it sucks.”

First, there is the hectic schedule of the aging person. Every date on my calendar is filled in – mostly with doctor and dentist appointments. These are necessary, but the time spent in the waiting room takes an alarming amount of hours off your already waning life.

I figure at my age I don’t want to waste time waiting for anything, anywhere. This includes lines in department stores, banks and supermarkets. Let the younger folks be last in line since their expiration dates aren’t stamped on their foreheads.

Then, there’s also the matter of aches and pains. You wake up on a beautiful South Carolina morning and you hurt. It’s either your back or your legs or somewhere else on your deteriorating body. What to do? You simply go to the cabinet that contains medicines for every conceivable painful event and pick the one that promises to cure your symptoms.

When you venture outside, you usually meet a friend or neighbor who inquires, “How are you?” This is the perfect opportunity for you to proceed into a boring, detailed description of all your aches and pains. The trouble is, the other person feels he or she must reciprocate with a list of his or her own symptoms. Sometimes you get lucky (not) and are forced to listen to the symptoms of everyone in town and sometimes even those whom you have never met.

After returning home, you are so paranoid you turn on your computer and Google all the diseases you just heard about. After you diagnose yourself, you pick up the phone and make a doctor’s appointment, fill another space on your calendar and pray you live until the appointment because it’s in six weeks.

Getting older in South Carolina does have one redeeming feature. When you reach the age of 85, you are eligible for a one percent reduction in the sales tax on items you purchase.

I may not be getting better, but this upcoming bonanza has given me a new lease on life.

T&D Correspondent Shirley Upton can be reached by e-mail at writer@ntinet.com.

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