Somewhere in Columbia, Gov. Mark Sanford is leaning back in a office chair, humming to himself. Two aides rush in ...

Sanford aide I: “Sir, we’re got a crisis.”

Sanford, snapping up in his seat and pounding his desk: “A crisis you say? Slow down, cowboy. What’s the hurry there?”

Sanford aide I: “Well, sir, we’ve got someone who has become a constant source of embarrassment, who says stupid things and is otherwise preventing any useful work from being done around here. He’s become more than a distraction, he’s become a liability and he must be stopped.”

Sanford: “Well, who is this scallywag?”

Sanford aide II to aide I: “Wait for it.”

The governor leans back In his chair, and says “It’s OK boys. Don’t worry about a thing. The state budget is in shambles and we have to ride in and fix it.”

Aide I: “But, sir, what about the morale? The people here don’t have the heart to write another political budget designed to shame the General Assembly.

“Some of the people here are worried there won’t be any place to follow you to next. They say they may actually try developing a real budget so they’ll have the experience on their resumes.”

Sanford: “A real budget? You mean with numbers?

“Are you mad?!?”

Aide II: “Now, now. We’re not saying that it’s gotten to the point where you actually have to participate in policy-making or governance. We’re not saying you have to take time off from, uh, whatever you do to attract industry. We’re just saying some people are talking.”

Sanford, pounding the desk again: “Mutineers!”

But then the governor calms down almost instantly, leans back in his chair, thoughtfully places his hand to his chin and stares into space.

Sanford: “Mmmmm ... Maria.”

Aide I: “Sir this is serious.”

Sanford: “And I am, too. Do you know anything about herding cattle?”

Aide I: “Uhhh, no.”

Sanford: “Have you ever been in a knife fight? Do you like labyrinths?”

Aide I: “Huh?”

Sanford: “Check this out. I have a line on an industry that’s considering locating here. The latest in lasso technology, right here in South Carolina! I just need to run down to Argentina and ...”

Aide II: “Sir, this has got to stop! You are not going to Argentina. Just get that out of your head.

“Now I know you’re lonely. To help you out, we’ve built you a kit.”

The aides hand over a small box to the governor. He opens it.

Sanford: “Hmmmm. A fake moustache and a wig?”

Aide I: “Blondes have more fun!”

Sanford: “And a bottle of Strawberry Hill?”

Aide I: “Don’t forget, sir. The new semester is right around the corner!”

The governor rummages around the box some more.

Sanford: “And, hey! A fake ID. Uh, guys. I think I’m a little beyond that, don’t you think?”

Aide II: “For authenticity, sir. Everyone who’s anyone in Five Points has one.”

Sanford pushes the box aside: “No, really guys. I’ll be OK. You’ll see. And I won’t need these props, either. It’s all gonna work out.

“For now, just relax. You need a vacation? If you need to get away for a little bit, just let me know. We’ve got a plane you can use.

“It’s gonna be all right.”

T&D City Editor Gene Crider can be reached by e-mail at gcrider@timesanddemocrat.com or by phone at 803-533-5570.

You must be logged in to comment.